John Stevens, we hardly knew ye

Ed Snider, Flyers Chairman

(In a video blog done “The League”-style)

Ed Snider: John, I know this has been a tough stretch for you. Losing six of seven games. Getting beat by Atlanta for the first time since 2005. Being held scoreless in eight consecutive periods. It’s tough. Now, don’t get me wrong, this organization respects you and what you’ve done. You took us to the Eastern Conference Finals a mere two seasons ago. We haven’t forgotten about that. But, as you know, the economy sucks. Everyone’s taking it on the chin. That includes our season-ticket holders. And if we don’t show them that we’re ready to do something drastic to break out of this funk, we’d….well, we’d be the Florida Panthers. Or the Nashville Predators. Really any warm-weather hockey club falls under this. I don’t quite understand them.

I’m getting side-tracked here. Like I said, we’re not getting the job done, and I refuse to have this team become one of those laughable franchises where the fan base walks in with a tan. Uh uh, no sir. It’s with that in mind, John, that I regret to have to inform you that despite being the second-longest-tenured coach in the Eastern Conference…

No. Stop. It’s not going down this way. John, tough decisions need to be made. But quite honestly, I’m sick of making them. I just had to deal with this whole Allen Iverson bullshit, and frankly, I’ve stuck my neck out there enough as it is with that decision. So, that said, I’ve decided to bring someone else in on this. He’s much more versed in decisions like this and has the business sense to carry out the duty in a respectful, professional manner.

*Office door flies open*

*cue "No Chance In Hell"*

Vince McMahon: Good evening, Mr. Stevens. My name is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Like your boss here, I’m also a chairman of a large group that caters to spectators: World Wrestling Feder…er, Entertainment. Perhaps you’ve heard of us. Or me. More likely me.

I’m not one to waste time with flowery speeches, so let’s get down to it. Your team’s failing, John. Ed here went out and traded for Chris Pronger, elevated James van Riemsdyk from the AHL, and allowed both the aging Mike Knuble and the overrated Joffrey Lupul to leave town. This team has been well-designed by Mr. Snider and GM Paul Holmgren. You’re not the Phoenix Coyotes, Mr. Stevens. You’re expected to win now.

But you’re not doing that, are you? OH NO. Instead, your squad is going out and dropping games to Atlanta and Vancouver, the latter of whom even had barely any rest. Now I understand the Thrashers apparently had one of those new-fangled gay vampires on their team, but that’s simply no excuse. If they sparkle, they’re easier to find and thus check the shit out of. It’s science!

Snider: Vince, can we…

McMahon: Yes, of course. I just get a bit juiced up in situations like this. Well, Mr. Stevens, as has been made clear to you, losing is unacceptable. This franchise simply won’t tolerate it. So, you have two options in front of you. We can let you go and move forward without you. Or…well, there’s a certain club you can join.

Snider: Club? What club?

McMahon: Oh Ed, it’s a very selective club. Very few members have ever been inducted, but John, you seem like a decent guy. With a great set of lips, too. So I’m going to give you a shot to redeem yourself.

*unbuckles pants and lowers them, facing away from the camera*

Snider: Vince, what the hell are you doing?

"NO CHANCE! NO CHANCE IN HELL!"

McMahon: It’s the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club! I know it sounds weird, but this works Ed, trust me. Ask William Regal, Marty Jannetty or Jim Ross. They know all about it. The Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club has saved jobs before, John, and it can save yours too!

Snider: No, it can’t.

McMahon: Really? But look, my ass is talented! It does tricks!

Snider: This is highly inappropriate.

McMahon: Think about it anyway, Mr. Stevens. There are openings in my company all the time. That completely aren’t the result of my psychotic temper and ass-backwards style of dealing with human beings. That never happens in World Wrestling Entertainment, I can assure you of that.

Snider: John, what Vince is so long-windedly trying to say is…

McMahon: Alright, alright.

*pulls up pants and straightens tie*

Ruh roh....

McMahon: John Stevens……………YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUU’RRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE  FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Tags: Christian Ingram, John Stevens gets professionally XFL'd, Philadelphia Flyers, Really hard not to make Chris Benoit jokes