Hedberg’s shutout isn’t the only thing mystical in Atlanta

Despite out-shooting the Thrashers 34-18, Atlanta backup netminder Johan Hedberg did his best impression of this guy in shutting out the Flyers 1-0. No matter what the Orange and Black threw at him, Hedberg was equal to the task. Rich Peverley continued his “look everyone, I know what I’m doing now!” tour of the NHL, scoring the lone goal of the game during a 2nd period power play. Anybody else think the name Peverley sounds a bit ghey? I mean, just look at the guy.

Dude, the sun exists. And won't kil you. Swear.

Wait a minute. Something about this seems awfully familiar. Hmmm. Questionable sexuality. Clear aversion to sunlight. Came out of nowhere to suddenly become relevant. Uncontrollable hair…

WTF IS THIS?

AHHH!!! Damn you, Peverley! I knew you and your frightening level of production had to be the work of some evil sorcery. But this? Really? You’re in league with them? Who else will you ally with? The saucer people? You and your fiendish plot to both rule the NHL and eliminate the meal of dinner will not be tolerated, sir. Sure, you may have a grip on the often mindless tween girl population of the world. But we have a weapon of our own. And he can go out in the daylight without looking like a gay fireworks display.

You might want a towel. For that mess you just made in your pants.

That’s righte. Wesley Snipes is here. And in case you weren’t aware, Wesley Snipes is poor as shit. That means I can buy his services for like a nickel. I’ve got a daywalking half-breed bounty hunter at my disposal, Rich. Maybe I decide to keep him without serum for like two weeks. What then? Huh? Do you really want a daywalking, thirsty half-breed with a fucking sword on your ass? That’s what I thought. You’d best find a way to turn yourself back into a normal human, Mr. Peverley. Because Blade will cut your hockey stick in half and stake your ass with the remains.

And for the rest of Peverley’s kin, know this: Don’t think we can’t amass an army of heartthrobs who can score at will.

Double entendre, bitchessss

Next game: Thursday vs. Vancouver (7 p.m., CSN)

Tags: Christian Ingram, excessive references, Philadelphia Flyers, Rich Peverley sparkles, Where is Blade when we need him?